So, today I had one of those scattered days where I wasn’t too sure of myself or of my life in general. I get those a lot. However, I’m learning to let go of the need to know everything. Believe me, I want to know how things will work out, but I’m realizing I can’t do a darn thing about it. I can’t control the future and can’t mend myself from the past.
For the longest time now, I’ve been working, striving, squeezing and clenching to this idea that I could fix myself; heal and restore the broken parts; all by myself and maybe while I was at it, control things from getting too scary or messy in the future. Yea, God is good and powerful, but if there was going to be any transforming going on, I’d be in charge. This was all subconscious, I guess. I liked the idea that God would work in my life, but I don’t think I trusted Him enough to do it. It wasn’t happening as quickly or as easily as I would have liked so therefore, He must not be working. I have good intentions, you know. I want to make something better, but I’ve been going about it the wrong way.
Liar, liar, pants on fire. The lie is that we as humans can fix it; whatever your “it” is. We are helpless to do anything of any worth in this life without our Creator’s say-so. He designed the intricate details of my brain and knows the ins and outs better than I do. Sometimes that concept blows my mind and I feel like a helpless little puppy, confused and scattered as I mentioned above, but maybe that’s a healthy spot for me to be; recognizing my place in this relationship. Job 40:4 says, “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You? I lay my hand on my mouth.” A combination of realizing how much I don’t know and that He may be wanting me to let go of my lame attempt at control. He’s gently, but hopefully firmly releasing the grip I have on the steering wheel. He knows where this boat is headed. He can handle it and is rejoicing every time I let Him steer. How badly I want to stop white-knuckling it through life. It’s time to let go and enjoy the ride!
Earnest Emily 