“I like to start my notes to you as though we’re already in the middle of a conversation.” (Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail) It is true. I’d like this place to be one where I take an idea and run with it, without any care that I may sound like a babbling idiot. We all have random thoughts and ideas we find ourselves wondering and because I have this outlet of a blog, I often think, “I should write about that!” Ask me 4 hours later and that thought is long gone, hence the few and far between posts. However, today I picked up my laptop to ramble. In a very tender children’s chapter book called, “The Tale of Despereaux”, the author uses the phrase, “Dear Reader” at different points in the story and it feels as though she’s sitting right next to you as the story develops. I read that book years ago with my students and it’s stuck with me. What a cozy feeling.
So, Dear Reader, I wonder where you are as you read. How are you feeling? Do you have trouble brewing in your heart or gut? Maybe a heaviness you can’t pinpoint? Or, you may be feeling light today. Oh, I hope so! That feeling is notably better than the latter. I very often feel a smattering of both and although I like to have things in better “order” than that, I’m trying to work at letting feelings come and go as they please.
If you are new to this blog, I have a history of intense anxiety that eventually led to a correct diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Along with depression struggles, it’s been an uphill climb at times. I feel hopeful though. While at the beginning of my struggles my number one goal was just feel better and beat myself up because I couldn’t “snap out of it”, today I see more clearly that no one lives in a black and white world with any success. Last year I jumped on the Word of the Year train and found it to be quite encouraging, so this year I chose the word, GRAY. Having OCD, my brain wants nothing more for things to be in order or to feel “just right”. This word reminds me that my thoughts, feelings, habits, relationships, weight, digestion, confidence, behavior, and even the weather are ever-changing! I can sub-consciously try to keep all my ducks in a row, but it’s inevitable that one or two will waddle off track.
Do you think you have any spaces where you are placing unrealistic expectations? Are you giving yourself a hard time for things that you think you “should” have in order? Here are a few phrases that you could try adding in to your inner dialogue (because there are very likely negative thoughts that fly through without you even knowing!): “Well, I don’t feel very good/just how I want to feel, but I’ll let that sit next to me while I carry on.”, “That feels really frustrating! Anyone would feel that way, but it doesn’t have to rule me right now.”, “I wish I hadn’t eaten that, but I’ll have a glass of water and try to remember next time that I don’t like this feeling.”, “This feels yucky, but experience shows me that it will pass in time, so I’ll give it space and focus on what I value in this moment.”
Virtual Hugs. Love, Emily
Hi. Gray was my favorite color for a while in adolescence.
Why, that’s shocking.